The Secret Place Of The Most High

I may or may not post this article. What I’m going to write might come across as gibberish or simply difficult to understand. I wanted to write this in any case, just to share what I’m experiencing.

I have written about my time flying to the gates of hell at a rapid speed. That is just a metaphor of how it felt. These past 7 or so months have made me feel like God abandoned me and hated me and threw me to the wolves. In one fell swoop my husband abandoned me, I’ve had no house and no money and for some reason, I couldn’t get employed. All of that wreaked havoc on my brain and that’s what felt like hell. Outwardly, I was ok to be honest, but still with no place of my own, no money and all alone. The battlegrounds are always in the mind aren’t they?

My brain was trying its hardest to convince me that God had abandoned me and indeed I felt it. Yet my mind would continue to go over situations in my mind where I was sure that God had shown favor to me. What had I done between then and now to incur God’s wrath? Short answer, nothing. Long answer, I simply did not know or understand. This constant battle of concerns with no answers in my mind saw me raging and lashing out at God. Part of me thought that I shouldn’t have done so but part of me had nowhere else to address my discontentment.  

Then, a dream fully accomplished and another in the process, I had finally come out the other end of that tragic darkness. I was finally liberated from that hellbound roller-coaster and set on higher-ground. Except now, I had developed a deeper knowledge of belief and faith in God than anyone that I had ever come into acquaintance with. I believed in God at a level that I had not seen anyone else in my life achieve, up until that point. Except, speaking to my mom, per usual, she seemed to be right there with me, miraculously.

This is now where I am and I will be more specific so that my walk in life can be compared to the things that I am saying. The first important thing is that I had learned that indeed God was not torturing me. It was being pulled away from how the world thinks and being taught how I should think with God in my heart that was the most painful. It’s painful because God’s ways are not human ways, and diverging from human ways proves to be a very, very mentally painful process. Perhaps it’s just me. 

So, now I have learned, and am still learning, not to make plans and hopes based on what society and others think that I should aim for. It’s funny because it’s not really a novel idea now, is it? But how many people actually know how to accomplish that? Also, how many people know how to depend solely on God’s provision? Also, how many people know that they can ask God for literally anything, as long as THEY have established THEMSELF in your heart? Not many people that I know of have succeeded in assimilating all of that. The reason is because human effort can not assimilate it. Humans will always be missing one thing as they try desperately to reach this state of being. 

I now know and understand clearly that God does it all. God tells us that a thing needs to be changed. I have learned where man messes up though. If God is telling them not to do something, the correct response is to humbly and honestly say something to the effect of, “I don’t know how” or “I can’t” or “I want to want to”. It is God’s word that awakens you to the problem in your life, and it is God who will remove the problem. If you attempt to remove it yourself however, you will fail miserably and you will not understand why God does not “know you.” Caveat here is not everything that you read in the Bible is directed at you. The safest and best way to be is to have a personal relationship with God. Then God will tell you THEMSELF what precisely you need to change, but now you know that when God does tell you that, you recognize in your heart that you can not actually achieve the task.

My walk with God has, since, changed radically. I am more at peace now though my anger is still present. I am staying in my car for the most part but that is because I await my housing. I don’t have housing lined-up, I just asked God for it very specifically and I await its arrival. In the meantime I have all but stopped looking for jobs. Yes, I am aware of how society thinks that I should approach maintaining my life but God is the creator of the entire earth. I am persuaded that God will indeed take care of me. I just ask God for the thing I need and push forward, having learned all THEIR teachings.

Here is an example: I am without many funds, less than 500 CHF a month and yet, for some reason, with the encouragement of friends, I decided to throw a Thanksgiving dinner. This was special to me because I could not return to the USA for Thanksgiving as I had desired. Suddenly, I just wanted to do it. Before having made the decision I had walked by the church 3 times that would eventually host the party, unbeknownst to me. Then, apparently a friend suggested the Church, which I do not recall. But after a month of fruitless searching I was ready to abandon, until the same friend suggested that I go to the Church, this time sending a link. Discouraged I went and lo and behold, they had a room available. 

The planning of Thanksgiving was going to be complicated for me, no thanks in large part to my ADHD. Yet, I was able to put together a pretty full meal list. Then I did the shopping, one store on Thursday and another on that Friday. Then I began cooking on that friday. Friends came by and helped cook, but I did the bulk of the cooking. Worried that I had taken on too much I prayed. Stress would come and leave. When a worry would arise I would tell God, express my frustration, and then keep going forward. Issue after issue arose but were systematically and somewhat miraculously handled. There was even an issue concerning me getting the keys to the Church which I never received. I was afraid that I would not be able to lock the Church up but, as God would have it, another group was there with the keys to lock up. 

Everything that could have gone wrong tried to go wrong but my calm was kept by God’s Spirit and everything turned out perfectly. Things that I hoped would happen during the party happened and the intermingling of my friend group happened seamlessly, just as I had hoped but not in the way that I had imagined it. I did not care, I only cared that they found love and peace amongst themselves and they did.

The things that I learned at the hands of God are learning to just believe God, and using past events as references. No amount of past recollections can ever establish my faith, but it is the little that I know to do to keep myself as honest with myself and God as possible. I also learned that humans plan because they simply don’t trust God. Most plans are made out of fear, but with God, planning is not even necessary for the most part. A simple desire, cast at the feet of Jesus, is really all it takes to get the ball rolling. When you see the opportunity you jump at it and plow ahead.

These lessons aren’t new. They are written in the Bible. The things that I have learned first hand expands on the scriptures: Take therefore no thought of the morrow, for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself Matt 6:34. I have known many Christians struggle to understand this concept and apply it to their lives. They have been mistaken. It is indeed a command, but only one to alert you to the fact that you do indeed live in worry. However, when you recognize that this is your case, do not be a fool and tell God, “All that the Lord hath spoken, we will do.” Instead let the Holy Spirit convict you and show you your weakness. It is then that, instead, you will cry out to God something like, “God, be merciful to me, a sinner.” it is absolute foolishness to try and keep the law, thinking that you can and that you will be justified. You can not, you are incapable and you are far from the shelter of God.

I have learned and am learning to walk with God, not worrying where I shall lay my head, or what I shall eat or drink. The thoughts and concerns do still arise, do not be mistaken. I have learned, however, to tell God of them and let THEIR Spirit remove that fear or concern from me according to THEIR own will. If I am to live without fear and in full trust of God, it is going to have to be God who teaches me.