Reaching in Desire

I reach for things that are beyond my reach. I desire for things that are impossible. There is a difference between want and desire for me and the desire often takes me through the fire and the flood. And it is strange how people often talk about people around them holding them back or discouraging them. But for me? My friends and family and even strangers have pushed me up, what little they can.

All have stood in awe of the things I have achieved. Even myself I can't believe where I have landed. People have asked for the rights to my biography when I die. Friends and family have seen more in my success that I have myself and we wonder together.

I push and then I rest. And then I push again. I get weary because I do not know God and I do not know what to expect. So I get angry and I get frustrated. I wonder why is it so hard? It's hard because I do not know. This is how far we have fallen: we simply do not know God or what THEY will do. So we hope and cross our fingers.

But with every push, or perhaps with every rest, I learn more about God than I did before. I beg THEM for the things I desire and I wrestle THEM for those things. I get angry and I sulk. I tell God to let me be for THEY have angered me. But then I am rested and I push again.

God has called me for this and it is amazing. I thought that God would show THEIR blessings to those who seek after THEM, using me as an example, later on in my life. But I was wrong. This has been happening since I was a child when the first person awed by it was my mother. 

I have the imagination to do incredible things and I have been given the faith to be taken through it. It is painful and I cry. Not because it's difficult. I cry for lack of understanding. Why don't I see it? I cry for lack of control. Why can't I stop my brain from thinking so negatively? I cry from lack of agency. Why can I just see the outcome with my faith?

But with the desires that I beg for comes the steps closer to God. God uses my desires to unveil new and interesting things about THEMSELVES. Now I may not need to be told this is the way, as I once did. Now, perhaps I can feel it, if only ever so slightly. 

This is my walk with God and indeed it is exhausting. It's tiring because… how far we have come from knowing our Creator!! It IS lamentable. If you are ignorant of it, are you. But if you are aware of it, your heart is burdened with anger and grief and yet you are blessed beyond measure. 

I can not open your eyes to it. Indeed no man can. It is not a burden that is to be taken lightly. So, the only one that can open your eyes is Jehovah. But beware, it is a very painful road. I did tell God to cease from torturing me. Know that it was not God torturing me. It was the lack of understanding while God kept me that caused so much pain. It was being taught to live in fear while God is teaching me to let fear go. It is letting go of all of the education that I had previously learned by way of being human to cling to a higher way of being. All of it is torture to a human.

And yet, God will carry you. You can be the weakest of souls, much like me, and God will carry you THEMSELF. God does not need your strength, it is worthless, it will get you nowhere. It is God who will do it all. So, while the journey is painful, God will always see you through. Hopefully. I have been a light to those who God is leading. Perhaps they will see that even the weakest of men God will uphold and perhaps they will be enticed. 

Yet, my journey is not your journey and God may not interact with you the way THEY interact with me. Do not look to my story and say this will be me. God is intelligent. Humans tend to think that we have to be one particular type of way and we don’t. We just have to be honest with ourselves and God will meet us there. We often have fear that God will not meet us where we are at and that we first have to reach some lofty place or do something to prove our loyalty or commitment. We don’t. The only thing necessary is the desire, and even that is not conjured by ourselves. Just reach out to God and let God do it. Do not try to be someone that you are not already, and do not lie and do not hide from God. Acknowledge your flaws and lay them bare and boldly before God. And if something in my life inspires you or something in other’s lives inspires you, then ask God for it. It may not happen the same way, but if you desire it, God will bring it about in THEIR way and you will be satisfied.